So here I am, parking myself down on the couch, laptop in lap, and forcing myself to lay
The last week that we have spent together has been hard. I have just not been myself. I have not been dealing with things emotionally. I know that I am entitled to have this spectrum of emotions, I just don't love being so up and down and all over the map, anger and frustration being the emotion of the week. I feel like there is a rather large elephant that parks his largeness on my chest. I escape his residence when I fall asleep, but find him back as soon as I realize that I am awake. I need to evict him. I have not dealt well as a mother. Or a wife. And I hope that everyone that resides at this Johnson home can be resilient and cope with the stresses that fill our address. My hope is that the children and the hubby, don't feel neglected or unloved, have not had to wear dirty clothing as few clean items of clothing remain in their drawers, and have not gone hungry, although the nutritional content in Peanut Butter Tacos leaves much to be desired. And when it comes down to it...that is all that matters. My house has gone to pot because I run around in circles not being able to concentrate on anything, but together we have kept the health department and their inspectors at bay. My counterproductive-ness is driving me nuts......but, not crazy enough, unfortunately, to spur some action. I just feel frustrated that physically I feel fine, but emotionally I am a mess. My chemo week eve has arrived, and oh how fast it has come. I want to have my wits about me for just a few more days...but I feel like those wits are no where to be found. But then again.....all that matters is hopefully hanging on!
Our family was blessed yesterday to attend church together, and to be uplifted and recharged for this next week. When we arrived home, my angel parents were here all the way from Twin Falls, standing in my kitchen fixing Sunday dinner for us. Dinner and dessert was amazing and we devoured Salmon and Halibut from Alaska, Asian Coconut Shrimp from Winco, and my very favorite Chocolate Ribbon Cake. The fine company however, was what was savored. My feelings are tender for each of them, and I am so thankful and feel so blessed to have their love, support and listening ears. How great it was to enjoy them, even if it was for just a few hours. I honestly do not know how our little family would survive without them, especially at this time. It was a day I will remember and hold dear.
In contrast, our family was not so blessed today as the children did chores and special jobs around the house....while their mother did anything but special jobs or chores around the house. I did however drive myself down the road 5 or 6 miles to a hair appointment in that I thought about cancelling about 5 or 6 times. I have not felt so tough or brave in the last few days, but I had a moment of toughness and braveness and decided to not chicken out or run away to Mexico. I cut my hair.....and I am not sure what to think about it, although in the beginning cutting it was what I wanted to do. The little donation of about 10 inches is neatly burrito-d in a snazzy piece of foil, ready to send off in the mail. And I am determined to not waste any more tears on stuff that will grow back. I am so grateful for adorable children that greeted me with hugs, smiles, sweet comments and shoulders to cry on when I arrived home. I am blessed to have each of them. I will post some pictures tomorrow as I am overcome with laziness and need to call it a night.
....Dang it, now as you see, I am testing your patience!
Love the Cancer Patient! :)