Monday, July 2, 2012

Patience Tester

I have had this particular post brewing in my little mind for more than a few days now.  I have needed to bite the bullet and get it out...  One of my personality traits that I am not loving about myself, is that I am an emotional vault.  Especially when I am stressed or anxious, instead of communicating, I hold my emotions the safety and privacy of my own little brain.  I am sure Jeff feels like he needs a crowbar to crack them out of me, although he reads me like a book from the outside.  How thankful I am for him as my husband.  He is a good patient man.  And trust me....I have tried and tested his patience this week.    I think I have tried and tested my own patience this week.  I am driving myself batty. 

So here I am, parking myself down on the couch, laptop in lap, and forcing myself to lay all some of it out.  I am telling myself this will be therapeutic, especially when it is all said and done, and I have this little treasure of a blog published in an adorable little book!   Although, all I want to do is continue holding it all in, however  unhealthy it may be. 

The last week that we have spent together has been hard.    I have just not been myself. I have not been dealing with things emotionally. I know that I am entitled to have this spectrum of emotions, I just don't love being so up and down and all over the map, anger and frustration being the emotion of the week.  I feel like there is a rather large elephant that parks his largeness on my chest.  I escape his residence when I fall asleep, but find him back as soon as I realize that I am awake.  I need to evict him.  I have not dealt well as a mother.  Or a wife.  And I hope that everyone that resides at this Johnson home can be resilient and cope with the stresses that fill our address.  My hope is that the children and the hubby, don't feel neglected or unloved, have not had to wear dirty clothing as  few clean items of clothing remain in their drawers, and have not gone hungry, although the nutritional content in Peanut Butter Tacos leaves much to be desired.  And when it comes down to it...that is all that matters.  My house has gone to pot because I run around in circles not being able to concentrate on anything, but together we have kept the health department and their inspectors at bay.  My counterproductive-ness is driving me nuts......but, not crazy enough, unfortunately, to spur some action.   I just feel frustrated that physically I feel fine, but emotionally I am a mess.  My chemo week eve has arrived, and oh how fast it has come.  I want to have my wits about me for just a few more days...but I feel like those wits are no where to be found. But then again.....all that matters is hopefully hanging on! 

Our family was blessed yesterday to attend church together, and to be uplifted and recharged for this next week.  When we arrived home, my angel parents were here all the way from Twin Falls, standing in my kitchen fixing Sunday dinner for us.  Dinner and dessert was amazing and we devoured Salmon and Halibut from Alaska, Asian Coconut Shrimp from Winco, and my very favorite Chocolate Ribbon Cake.  The fine company however, was what was savored.  My feelings are tender for each of them, and I am so thankful  and  feel so blessed to have their love, support and listening ears. How great it was to enjoy them, even if it was for just a few hours.  I honestly do not  know how our little family would survive without them, especially at this time.  It was a day I will remember and hold dear.

In contrast, our family was not so blessed today as the children did chores and special jobs around the house....while their mother did anything but special jobs or chores around the house.  I did however drive myself down the road 5 or 6 miles to a hair appointment in that I thought about cancelling about 5 or 6 times.  I have not felt so tough or brave in the last few days, but I had a moment of toughness and braveness and decided to not chicken out or run away to Mexico.  I cut my hair.....and I am not sure what to think about it, although in the beginning cutting it was what I wanted to do.  The little donation of about 10 inches is neatly burrito-d in a snazzy piece of foil, ready to send off in the mail.  And I am determined to not waste any more tears on stuff that will grow back.   I am so grateful for adorable children that greeted me with hugs, smiles, sweet comments and shoulders to cry on when I arrived home.  I am blessed to have each of them.  I will post some pictures tomorrow as I am overcome with laziness and need to call it a night.

....Dang it, now as you see, I am testing your patience!
Love the Cancer Patient!  :)


  1. We couldn't love this cancer patient more!

  2. I can't wait to see the hair do, I KNOW it's fabulous- just like you. You are not unmotivated either; because you sat down and wrote this post. Which I'm sure was not an easy thing to start. I want you to know each of my kids when praying mentions your name and pauses for a brief moment. They want you to get well and feel well during your chemo. Good luck this week and always know I'm here for you. I"ll be in Twin on Wednesday and Thursday if you want to send any of the kiddos that way; or maybe you need a break.

  3. Hi Janae. I'm a friend of your angel mom :) and wonder if I have any right in writing here. If you're anything like your mom and dad you're tough and wonderful. I just wanted to share a comment I was taught 100 years ago in college. It had to do with relationships with other people, but I think it can be used in relationship with ourself. In life we're taught to save and have a reserve. But in relationships and problems it's better to live on a "cash and carry" basis. Empty the bank...let things go. Don't save things up. They only fester. I think this blog is a great idea and you just use it to cash out some of those emtions and fears. Many of us, people you don't even know, care about your situation and your family. Take care.


    1. I like the cash and carry perspective. I think the Barzee's are really good at keeping their feelings in until they explode and go ape on the neighbor's whose bottle rockets are landing on their house........ anyways.... This is excellent advice! Thanks Grandma Kelli.

  4. Don't be so hard on yourself. You deserve to have a pity-party. Heck I'd throw a big one! We love you, I hope you know that. You ROCK!

  5. Hang in there JaNae! I hope you know you have people everywhere who love you, care about you and are wishing you well. Lots of love from Idaho Falls.

  6. JaNae! You are certainly entitled to those feelings you expressed! It's all part of the process and you are doing great! You are brave and courageous!!! I'm so touched by your example and honesty in dealing with this nasty illness. Good luck and my prayers are with you as you begin your chemo and radiation treatments. Thank you for the updates on this blog. I am stalking you! haha Love, Steph