Sunday, June 17, 2012

JaNae here....

Thought I'd make Jeff pass out today by posting.  He has done a great job with this little blog.  I believe that it has been a great outlet for him.   I appreciate him and the huge support that he is to me.  He is a great husband and an amazing father, and we are so lucky to have him.  What a great Father's Day we have shared with him.  The kids have spoiled and mugged him and let him know that they love him more than life itself.  We have however missed our oldest as he has been galavanting with friends in our loved Pocatello. 

This little situation that has recently presented itself to us has been trying.  And when it comes down to it, seriously violating.  Colo-rectal cancer is literally a pain in my butt.  I AM seriously thankful for the amazing care that I have received, but when it comes down to it, this little lady has been violated.  I honestly would have felt less violated taking my underwear drawer to Wal-mart during the Christmas season and have all of the "special" patrons rummage through it.  

This is the man that has done most...ok,all of the damage... and he totally rocks.  
(This picture of him cracks me up!)
(Add you own witty caption here....)
 He has a great sense of humor (he is totally hilarious)  and has the perfect combination of  respect for his patients that pairs with a mountain of knowledge that he communicates effectively to even one such as I.
I think because of his chosen profession he may just go straight to heaven.
 We have not seen the end (no pun intended) of each other yet, as the road ahead of me is still lengthy, but I am appreciative of him and his sweet surgeon skills.  My recovery thus far after the surgery has been as good as expected and I am feeling well.  I am so thankful of the improvements that have come my way in the last few weeks.  I am still cautious of over doing it but feel confident that progress will still be made.  I had an appointment with Dr. Olson on Friday.  Jeff had to work, so I went alone, which was foreign, but fine.  He mentioned that things were good, and that I will be able to look forward to just one more appointment with  him before we start Chemotherapy.
He also mentioned that I could start using Mederma on some of the scars on my abdomen.  I have laughed to myself...I don't think that a load of Mederma the size of Rhode Island, would help this baby stretched abdomen...but that is the least of my worries.    

This week I feel like reality is sinking in.  Some days I feel strong and ready to fight this with Ninja like powers, and then other days I am emotional and overwhelmed.  The pain that I have experienced is changing from being physical to emotional.  And I am not sure what feels worse.  The last few mornings I have woken in a cold sweat, worried and anxious about what I will face.  I am worried about holding things together for my children and spouse.  I am worried about being strong enough.  I am worried about the physical ramifications that this treatment will have on my body long term.  I am worried about how my children will survive especially as school starts in the fall.  I am worried about Jeff trying to juggle everything on his huge platter of a plate, with a sick wife at home.  And selfishly now, I am worried about looking like a hideous beast without hair.   
I know life for this season, will be challenging but it will be a time of growth for all of us.  And I am thankful that I am not alone.  I have felt so much love and support by family, friends and friends that feel like family.  I am in awe of the kindness that have been shared with our family.  Whether it be a delicious meal or treat, flowers or sweet messages via, mail, facebook or email.  I truly feel blessed and humbled....I truly am blessed.

One morning this week, Jeff called me from work to check on me and the children.  I discussed the emotional anguish that is residing in my chest with him.  He shared something with me that I will never forget and that was heaven sent in helping me cope with the day.  I am positive that it will continue to help me cope with my health issues from now until the end of time.
"JaNae, you need to replace the fear and anxiety with gratitude.
They can not both exist in your mind at the same time."
And that my friends, has been my saving grace this week.  I am grateful.  I have an amazing life. I have amazing parents.  I have amazing children.  I have an amazing spouse.  And most importantly, I have an amazing knowledge or my Savior.  Of His plan of happiness here upon this earth.  I know that I am not alone, and that with Him and through the power of the atonement I will be able get through this trial. 
Later that day, with timing that was impeccable, a package that was mailed to me from Washington arrived on my porch.  My sweet sister-in-law's Mother sent me a beautiful picture of the Savior with a favorite scripture, that I will hold dear. 
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:  not as the world giveth, giveth I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be aftraid."  St John 14:27

I am grateful for the opportunities that are given to us to help us grow.  Opportunities that shape us into becoming the person that He knows that we can be.  This is a shaping moment for me, and my family.  And how thankful I am for the peace, love and gratitude in my heart that will guide me through.


  1. Thanks for sharing your testimony. You and your family are in my prayers. I love you and your family.

  2. Love you JaNae!! You are an incredible woman!! I am so grateful for you! For your strength, your friendship, your courage, your sense of humor, and mad quilting skills :-). You are AMAZING!! You are not alone. Please let me help in some way. I am here for you my friend!!

  3. Such beautiful words! You are amazing!!!!!

  4. We cannot wait till we can come see you in a few weeks. We will laugh until we cry, and cry until we can't cry anymore i'm sure. :-) Thanks for the shout-out to my mom. That made me smile, and cry. I'll send my "being strong" vibes to you so you don't have to do it by yourself.

  5. Beautiful post...with applications for all of us.

  6. Janae, you are an inspiration to me! Thank you for your words. My heart bleeds for you and the emotions that you are going through. Keep trying to find the roses among the thorns of life. You are doing a great job! Love you!